DANGEROUSLY ADDICTIVE.

||ll||l|lll||l|
observation de vous;

observation de moi
on isolé tiennent le premier rôle
vous ne savez pas qui vous êtes
j'ai vous ai toujours aimé
mais vous avez pris mon amour pour accordé
parole au revoir

the 4 hearts

Sunday, July 29, 2007

yur once in a blue moon smile. when's the next blue moon coming up?

when i'm lonely i'll look to you for lunch! i love you sweety! mua. (:

mambo jambo lady!. (:
how can anyone be as sweet as you...

and the race continues. when will it ever stop...

then i'll finally be back to being me again. ((:

i'm riding up the highway and i'm flying away.

- everything's just temporary;
4:50 PM

Thursday, July 26, 2007

(He) calls me baby
then (he) wont call me
says (he) adores me
and then ignores me

(He) keeps (his) distance
and sits on fences
puts up resistance
and builds defenses

Yu keep me hanging on the line
everytime yu change yur mind
First yu say yu won't
then yu say yu will
yu keep me hanging on
but we're not moving on
we're standing still
Jenny, yu've got me on my knees
Jenny, It's killing me

(He) needs (his) own space
(he's) playing mind games
sends up at my place
saying that (he's) changed

I'm trying to read between the lines
yu got me going out of my mind

honestly speaking, the past few days have been the happiest few times i've had the past one month. i just needed to hear the words. 'never let a guy control your life. i've got so agitated over whatever happened, got so worked up, so tired, so emotional. it's stupid. and it's crazy. it made me feel like i had absolutely no control over myself. and i felt like a total loser. yes. that was how i felt. that was what i was reduced to feel. it was so awful. i felt like i'd rather have thrown away whatever i placed in effort to do for that person. and for what? did it really create a smile? did it even receive any words of gratitude? nope. not a single one. the past few days. i felt so happy. because ever since that day where i lost all control of myself, i felt a new wave of energy to carry on where i left it. the reason? i'm pushed to a corner where i gotta submit and either i fall or break free. but no more. i'm not willing to be made to wait if i don't want to. and i'm not willing to wait if i feel it isn't appreciated. and most of all, i'm not willing to wait, because i know deep down i'm not wanted. i'm not a toy to be pushed around, to be held and cuddled tightly when there's time for me, and no stress. i'm not a toy to be taken anytime just because there's nothing else left, and the whole world seems to be unfair. i'm a girl. who wants to be loved all the time, who's willing to love back just as much as she's loved. it's just that simple. if everyone else can, i don't understand why the person who means so much just can't get it. it is truly painful. i used to be hurting so much that the tears would come. now i'm hurting to the extend that it becomes even so painful to cry. i've put in my all, to receive nothing at all.

yu seem to have broken all yur promises. but its okay. i seem to have broken all of mine too.
'making love out of nothing at all'.

- everything's just temporary;
11:57 PM

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

i was so wanting to pass. and i did. but after i did, i felt it was no big deal. it was so stupid to be hoping for success in that one chance you can have over and over again. there are so many other chances if you take for granted, you'll probably never get another chance.

i feel like i've been running back and forth on time. i travel through time. it seems to be moving so fast. i'm so tired. i've stopped already.

i see everything passing me by. it's like i'm out of my body watching my life. it's like i'm trying to reach out to me to tell me what decisions to make.

sigh. i've just lost yu again. everyday's a new race. everyday.

- everything's just temporary;
12:13 AM

Sunday, July 22, 2007

reading the eyes. they make me cry. i feel so much. i feel too much.

i miss the smiles. they were so beautiful.

- everything's just temporary;
11:00 PM

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

My skin is like a map, of where my heart has been
And I can't hide the marks, but it's not a negative thing
So I let down my guard, drop my defences, down by my clothes
I'm learning to fall, with no safety net, to cushion the blow

I bruise easily, so be gentle when you handle me
There's a mark you leave, like a love heart, carved on a tree
I bruise easily, can't scratch the surface without moving me
Underneath I bruise easily, I bruise easily

I found your finger prints on a glass of wine
Do you know your leaving them all over this heart of mine too
If I never take this leap of faith I'll never know
So I'm learning to fall with no safety net to cushion the blow

Anyone who, can touch you, can hurt you, or heal you
Anyone who, can reach you, can love you, or leave you

my heart's not made of steel. you can never read me unless you read my eyes. but you will never learn how to read them.

- everything's just temporary;
10:45 PM

Monday, July 16, 2007

to read their comments when i was down was such a cheer for me. (: thanks genting four. mua.

to finally share the box i've been keeping bottled within me, was a relieve. it felt sweet. no longer bitter. the boxes only contain the good times. and the bad times, they're washed away with time. i no longer have anymore anger or resentment towards you. i no longer need anymore answers from you. maybe i'll catch up with you sometime soon. when either one of us finally gets the guts to make the first move. but until then, be happy, be safe. (:

anyways, i still can't get over what was written. the words really pierce through because for the first time i actually read words which describes me as a person, so accurately. no, i will not write them down here. for i fear the immensity of what other people would feel towards those few words. they are truly amazing.

okay. I AM HONESTLY SICK OF PEOPLE MESSING WITH ME. so to all out there. please don't bully me anymore. don't mess with my feelings. don't do shit which you are not clear about. don't assume about my situation when you have absolutely no idea what it is. don't even come into my situation if you want to leave it. if not no matter what i'll screw you badly before i fuck you out of it. so let me repeat. DO NOT BULLY ME. or i swear i'll bite the fuck out of you and kick you where it hurts. ask them if you don't believe me.

actually i just wanted yu to be around. that was it. but if it is so difficult for yu to be around and express yurself with me, then please leave. i am just missing the guy who wanted me around, who bothered to care about me, who always held my hand wherever i went so i wouldn't be lost. the one who'd stay with me when i was too tired to move. the one who would bite me just to get my attention. the one who'd give me a goodnight kiss every single night and buy me calamari rings no matter how broke he is. the only one who knew how to ever make a heartfelt smile come by. yea. but the guy is missing. so if anyone spots him, please remind him to call me. or please call me to inform me. i'll trade my entire life of happiness for your entire life of sadness. just bring him back okay.

when yu pause, when yu give silence; i get more confused than i already am. when yu smile, when yu give noise; i feel so misunderstood. when yu anger, when yu tear; i feel so defeated. i think i could have been rewarded by just bothering and making the effort to try. a torment. the more yu try to bring me down, the more i'll make sure i'll still be standing at the end. this isn't the rebellious streak anymore. it's me, stripped out front, fighting yu for something that i know could be heartfelt. i'm plain and present for yu to see. it's so clear, it couldn't be clearer. if yu don't see me, if yu can't; i'm sorry i haven't fought hard enough.

- everything's just temporary;
10:58 PM

Friday, July 13, 2007

genting four. loves, always.

'tis for YOU.

You called me from the room in your hotel
All full of romance for someone that you love
And telling me how sorry you were, leaving so soon
And that you miss me sometimes when you're alone in your room
Do I feel lonely too?

You have no right to ask me how I feel
You have no right to speak to me so kind
I can't go on just holding on to time
Now that we're living separate lives

Well I held on to let you go
And if you lost your love for me, well you never let it show
There was no way to compromise
So now we're living (living)
Separate lives

Ooh, it's so typical, love leads to isolation
So you build that wall (build that wall)
Yes, you build that wall (build that wall)
And you make it stronger

Well you have no right to ask me how I feel
You have no right to speak to me so kind
Some day I might (I might) find myself looking in your eyes
But for now, we'll go on living separate lives
Yes for now, we'll go on living separate lives
Separate lives

- everything's just temporary;
12:19 AM

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

honestly, after replaying it all in my mind i start to feel pretty inferior to myself -- the way i treat other people with such airs. no, not airs in the positive meaning, but rather that as in arrogant. i don't see myself doing so when i actually do it, perhaps thats what i find most intimidating. it's not until i get hit right back in my face that i realise how fucked up i am. to the extent i feel rather withdrawn from myself. i think what happened today was exactly just that. i had no explanation for the way i behaved or the things i said. but i really wanted to be alone mostly because i had seen, finally, a part of me, the part of me which causes so much hurt to other people. even through the simplest of things like what i say. i don't even think before i open my mouth. i never thought it mattered. but i actually realise now that it sucks. the feeling to hear such acute words coming from someone who means so much to you. arrows strike my heart, and tears fall. i never meant to say such mean things. i swear. so today i wanted to tell so much more than the way i acted. but i know that my words wouldn't mean anything now. because my actions would have betrayed them. and thats why i just ended up saying nothing, or rather being stumped for the first time in my life about how to express what i was feeling. it wouldnt have be understood. even i didn't understand what i felt. its not anyone but myself. i hate people who judge; yet that is what i've secretly, unknowingly been doing. how can i deserve anything. someone recently said i don't have any self-esteem at all. but i don't think it's much a question of self-esteem. i think it's more like i've always been so confident about myself but this sudden thundering realisation is unacceptable by me with just a snap of the fingers. so please forgive me. don't push me away just because i can't accept things yet. stay by me. please. i need the understanding i've always received.

"even if it means miles.. i'l be fighting t run to where yu're."

- everything's just temporary;
12:27 AM

Sunday, July 08, 2007

I lay my life down at your feet
You're the only one i need
I turn to you and you are always there

In troubled times its you i seek
I put you first thats all i need
I humble all i am, All to you

One way
Jesus
You're the only one that i could live for
One Way
Jesus
You're the only one that i could live for

You are always, always there
Every how and everywhere
Your grace abounds so deeply within me

You wil never ever change
Yesterday today the same
Forever till forever meets no end

You are the way the truth and the light
We live by faith and not by sight ... for you
We're living all for you

- everything's just temporary;
1:25 AM

Saturday, July 07, 2007

i hate relationships. and i love being single. why is that so difficult to understand.

------------------------------------------------

i'm enjoying myself the way things are right now. i really don't want to step into anything so complicated now. i'm happy. i'm really happy.

- everything's just temporary;
11:58 PM

Monday, July 02, 2007

thats when i miss you the most.. manicure?

you constantly amaze me.

you're super cute! (: ice cream?

charming.

they are what makes me such a happy girl. (:

memories that will stay in the heart.

- everything's just temporary;
11:29 AM

Sunday, July 01, 2007

if you could have one wish, what wish would it be?

- everything's just temporary;
1:17 PM

i believe He has the power to take away what He gives to you. Sometimes when I'm feeling really down and out, i know He's there for me. Just like this afternoon at the workshop when I was all alone. I truly felt alone; yet surprisingly I didn't feel sad that I was alone. I felt calm and comforted. Maybe because everyone started asking me about whether I was going to get confirmed this year. Again. Funny person you are God. Really; but You're really not bad with jokes at all. I guess I got what You were trying to tell me when i went for the workshop today. So it's my turn to tell You back again. I LOVE YOU. (: You bring me up when I'm down, You make me strong when I'm weak. You believe in me when no one else would and You make me remember that You love me. I love You. Thank You for loving me. (:

I realise that people in my life who have come by and made a huge impact on me have thought me alot of things, have changed my perspectives in more than one way or another. Sure, some have caused a hell lot of pain as well as hurt, whereas others have brought me joy and love. How could I blame any? Without pain and hurt, I wouldn't appreciate the joy and love. Without the joy and love, I'd be insensitive towards pain and hurt.

Well, I'm moving on I think. I'm growing up. These few months have left me being sprawled around and confused. Yet, there are all these many people that cross my path and leave me with a certain few important lessons. I've finally understood what it means to give something up, to sacrifice something. It isn't easy, but I suppose that this is the way life is. I've always made it a point to get what I wanted. I've always gotten what I wanted. Well, most of the time I guess. However, these past few months, incidents have happened where it appears to me that second chances are worth giving, where priorities have to be rearranged, where I can no longer behave like a spoilt brat and do whatever I want without considering other people. People have come in my life and showed me that sometimes it's okay to let go of dreams, they've taught me to be the bigger person. They've showed me how sometimes we just have to accept what is given to us when we've tried our hardest and yet it's still not given to us. Some things are just not meant to be. Maybe it will hurt. Maybe that's when you feel when things don't turn out right. But what's most important is that it's ok. Everything will be ok. Eventually.

You've provided me with a shoulder to lean on when I'm tired. I know You will always be there, I know I can count on You for support. For You. I'd live my life for You.

- everything's just temporary;
12:03 AM